A Look Back: G.I. Joe Episode One: The Cobra Strikes

I’ve always loved G.I. Joe. Not the big giant dolls of the 70’s, or the creepy old WWII vet who lived down the street from me who wanted us neighborhood kids to call him that, but the ultra cool, weekday afternoon, toy-line fortified cartoon G.I. Joe. It kicked ass. And when you’re 10, you TOTALLY know what kicks ass. Lemon Heads kick ass, Knight Rider kicks ass, GoBots definitely did NOT kick ass.

And over the years I’ve still retained by love for the Joe. When the DVD box sex came out, like the good dad I am, I rented and illegally copied every single one for my boys. See, it’s those extra steps that makes a good parent. But with the rumors of a new live action movie in the works, it made me wonder if those beginning episodes of the cartoon I loved so much still held up. Will it still kick ass? At 33, do I even KNOW what kicks ass anymore? I thought I’d take another look, starting at the beginning with the first episode ever, The Cobra Strikes!

It opens up rather Top Gunnish with several Sky Strykers flying down and landing on an enormous landing strip. We find Duke, Snake Eyes, and another Joe talking about how awesome these new planes are (which just begs for them to be blown up soon, right?) as some crazy hot dog pilot comes within inches of killing the three of them. What the hell?? Who is this madman, crazed with testosterone??? Oh, it’s Scarlett. What a clever twist! She and Duke just about undress each other with their eyes. Was this sexual tension always there? I guess when you’re 8 you just don’t notice as much. Maybe this is why I’ve always loved redheads…and thought it was a good idea to wear the same clothes every day for an entire summer.

Suddenly alarms sound and its Cobra, led by a crazy bastard with a pencil-thin moustache and an eye patch! It’s Major Bludd! What a cool name for such a douche bag! Suddenly it’s Pearl Harbor all over again. And I mean the movie, not the attack, including the overly animated acting. Blam, boom, all the planes are destroyed while Joes run around trying to avoid being shot at. Duke and Scarlett actually do some fancy flips to dodge bullets. I woulda thought just hiding would work better, but I’m not part of a daring, highly trained special mission force, so what do I know? Eventually the Joes start fighting back, Cobra retreats(of course) and the Joes let them go(of course). I have always thought that Cobra really just lacks follow through and the Joes just need to actually go after them at least once. Always the back and forth with these two! Do you think the Joe’s are a little more gung-ho about their escapades with Cobra since they know they’ll never ever die? I mean how much fear can you have when you know that no matter what you’ll soon be floating back to earth in a parachute or waking up from a slight concussion probably with Lady J or some other equally foxy Joe-ette waiting with cold beer and a bag of hot lovin. Or chips.

Ominous shot on some mysterious temple. Looks like Cobra bought out Dracula’s castle and stuck some cobras on the side of it. Lightning constantly flashes dramatically as a cloaked figure enters and reveals himself to be….Destro, the metal maniac himself! Cobra and Destroy exchange some pleasantries, which include Cobra over doing the snaky lisp thing. He is wearing his trademark helmet and blue suit. He’s a rather dapper fellow considering he wears a helmet and is crazy. (Question: Do you think when Destro goes down on the Baroness he leaves his mask on? Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? And cold? And what’s with all the masks? Cobra Commander did give up his former mirrored helmet look for a suave and flowy cloth sack type of thing, but it’s still a mask. Maybe that’s a more out on the town evening look? And what is it they’re both hiding? Perpetually bad haircuts? Orthodontic mishaps? Cross eyes? Of course when he did lose the mask eventually he did become a giant snake, so maybe it was best left on. And I know what you’re saying: Snake Eyes wore a mask too. But so what? He was Snake Eyes, and he fucking rocked. He was a ninja who was mute. And deaf and blind. And had chronic eczema. And ingrown toenails. He was allowed to wear a mask because that added to the coolness factor.)

Destro has brought three giant cubes, which later will be reused and turned into Energon Cubes on the Transformers set. One has water in it, one has what looks to be Pop Rocks, and one has….gold? Liquid gold? Wouldn’t that be quite heavy? Anyhow, these three elements are going to fuel some big bad killer device(they’ve got an abundance of these things don’t they?) which will help Cobra dominate the Universe. Pretty hefty ambition for a guy with a lisp and a tight little blue suit. Might be better to start small, like with dominating New Jersey or something.

Now we find Duke in some official government building talking to some stuffy General who’s telling him that the Joes are needed for a Special Mission. Hey, what a coincidence, they’ve got Special Mission right in their name! Some obnoxious woman appears and appears to bowl over Duke with her knowledge of paperwork mumbo jumbo. I don’t like this lady, I think she’s a spy. Just a feeling. She’s Major Hooper from the Pentagon, and she keeps messing with her earring. Lousy bitch! So we find out that there’s a new space satellite that’s launching tomorrow and the Joe’s are needed to protect it and….no wait, not protect it, break in and try to steal it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just have them stand around and protect it? Apparently Duke already knows what they want and as they speak Joes are storming the compound. Ah, Snake Eyes, hapless guards are no match against you, even if you’re still not wearing gloves for some reason. Did he leave them at home today? Are they spinning in his dryer back at base, and all day he’s thinking, “Fuck, I wish I had my gloves, I feel like a total retard. Oh, well at least I’m wearing a shirt. Look at Gung-Ho, what’s up with that look?” Too true, Snake Eyes. Who came up with Gung Ho’s unfortunate vest without a shirt look with his handlebar moustache. I mean, I understand it was the 80’s and being a Joe lent itself to being able to still get a lot of play even if you’re dressed unfortunately, but still. Take Shipwreck for instance. When was the Popeye look ever hot?

Anyhow, it appears that Scarlett has a jet pack! That’s cool! Due to some intense synchronization of their watches (Swatches, you think? It was the 80’s), some amazing explosions and high flying jumps and flips, three of the Joes actually make it in. Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and Stalker slip in just as the General is saying the Joe’s failed. Haha, suck that General! I’m waiting for Duke to bitch slap him, but instead we get a tour of the satellite for no apparent reason and we discover that it’s called the Relay Star and that it will be able to send and receive energy! That sounds pretty nifty I must say. I just hope that someone like Cobra doesn’t have some big new giant gun that could use the energy of this satellite and—oh shit, they DO! I sense bad things afoot! And that evil bitch lady keeps messing with her earring! Now she’s taking it off and putting it on the satellite. Close up reveals that it has a Cobra logo on it! Oh no, now she’s supporting Cobra’s lesser known domination of the fashion industry! Oh wait, it’s a homing beacon.

Switch back to the castle where Destro is going to start the big gun! And to make it start you just press a big giant button on the console, well that is handy! Oh wait, it’s not working, whew, that was close! Ha, Cobra Commander calls Destro a Titanium Faced Turkey! Oh it’s some sort of transmat beam and Destro was trying to beam the satellite back to them, but his energy levels are off, probably due to the Pop Rocks dissolving once they got in the water. So now he’s going to send some Cobra guys over THERE and have them bring it back. Brilliant!

Cobras appear out of nowhere and the bullets(or lasers?) start flying. The lousy whore who stuck her earring on the satellite rips off her wig and somehow drops 30 pounds and it’s….The Baroness! Is it just me or is she really hot? Now they’re fighting back and forth, stuff blows up, yada yada yada, Destro beams them back. I guess he got more Pop Rocks. Uh oh, Duke got caught in the transport beam. That CAN’T be good! Duke starts kicking the crap out of nearby Cobra goons and takes off. He’s a one man snake whippin’ machine! It takes six goons to take him down. What a man! Cobra says he’s going to the slave pits! Fuckin SLAVE PITS!! That REALLY can’t be good!

So now Cobra send the satellite in orbit and hijacks all television programming while all the Joes stand around and watch as Cobra demands surrender in 24 hours or bad stuff will happen, and he makes the Eiffel Tower disappear! Take THAT, Copperfield! Then I assume regular programming resumes and they keep watching Alf or Small Wonder.

Duke wakes up in the slave pits with lots of people around, wearing headbands with lights. He thinks it’s just a fashion statement, but you and I know it’s Mind Control, right? Baroness is there and yes, she IS hot! She tells Duke he’s going in the Cobra Arena of Sport! Is this Rome? Who does the contracting for Cobra Commander? (“…And over here we’d like a giant snake pit, next to the master bath, and downstairs we’re really hoping for some sort of a, you know, Cobra Arena of Sport thing, adjacent to the slave pits if possible. With crown molding.”) Can this get any worse for our hero??

The Joes are en route to find Dr. Vandemeer, who is the only one who can do something good…that’ll combat….the bad? I dunno really, but he’s the only one! Anyhoo, Cobra has already gotten there and replaced the real Vandemeer with a fake! Lousy sneaky snakes! Now the fake Vandemeer pulls off his mask and it’s Major Bludd! Bludd, you bastard! Full on attack ensues, per usual. Things blow up, people do flips, it’s all rather standard at this point. Gung Ho bear hugs three Cobra goons at once! Homo-erotically, no doubt! Cobra retreats, again, par for the course, lousy ‘fraidy cat snakes! The Joes call a cease fire because, well, it’s easier than actually going AFTER them once again and maybe finally catching them. They find the real Vandemeer and apparently Cobra has picked his brain and stole his secrets…right from his brain! I’m sure he didn’t just tell them everything those five minutes they were there before the Joes were. Lesson learned, scientists are weak and can be easily tied up and will give up their mothers if someone threatens to break their glasses. Better to fight! Thanks, Joes! Now I know! And knowing is half the battle! The other half is DYING! So now the Joes have got to create ANOTHER Mass device to combat the Mass device that Cobra stole. And they need to find those super rare substances, like water, before Cobra does. I smell a multi-parter!!

Duke is in the Arena, calling Cobra Reptile Breath and saying he’s going to kick in his fangs. Ah, Duke, if I was a gay cartoon character, I would so totally be in love with you. Now that he has a headband too, he can be controlled by Destro, who is using what looks to be an amped-up Atari Controller…Really? One stick and one button, you’d think you’d need like, one more button or something. Or a rumble pak. So Duke is facing his opponent who is….Conan the Barbarian? What the hell? Wait, this dude is like fifteen feet tall! Duke’s gonna bite the big one! In episode one!!

And that’s the end of the episode, scenes from the next show exciting moments of fighting, explosions, retreat and cease fire! Rock on! Oh, and “radioactive crystals of death!” You can’t go wrong with that!

And always remember kids, never go sailing in a small pond or lake without full S.C.U.B.A. exoskeleton and underwater recon gear! It’s just not safe! Now you know! And knowing is…..something something….